A VIEW FROM OUTER SPACE
Communication Number One
Article by Klaatubak
I have been watching human beings for a long time in their chronological reckoning. My daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly observations are sometimes fraught with horror and other times I laugh so hard, I nearly fall out of my chair. I much prefer to look at the lighter, funnier side of humanity and send those observations home, where everyone has another good laugh, much akin to my own.
An observation which occurred to me recently has to do with hair. Human beings are obsessed with a protein filament which grows out of their skin. They either have too much of it in places and go to great lengths to remove it; sometimes at the risk of compromising their health, or they bemoan the lack of hair in the same places others do not want it and go to even greater lengths to try and get some. The female of the species in some parts of the planet shave every hair on their bodies and wear wigs.
One place humans want hair is on their heads, except for people who are skin heads or Buddhist monks.
These people make certain there is not so much as a pin prick of hair sticking out of their domes. These people usually use a razor to get rid of the filaments. Some, who shave their heads do so because they don’t have much hair and figure they might as well be totally bald. These humans hold their bald heads up proudly. Some of these bald people polish their heads with wax, just like they polish the chrome on their vehicles. Humans refer to these people as, Chromedomes.
Example of a Chromedome
Some have strange pictures or markings etched into their heads, even their faces, making them look something like those Vwreepadoorians we discovered during the explorations of my great grandfather Klaatu.
A Female Human. Note the hairless legs. This particular type is a Mall Wench. They are designed for shopping in places where a cornucopia of mercantile enterprises seek to have her fill those colourful paper bags with commodities such as jewelry, perfume, and panties; that being what their underclothing is called.
Some shave it off, while others style it, or not, into beards, sideburns, and moustaches of various lengths. In unusual cases, there are humans who attempt to earn world records for growing exceptionally long beards and or moustaches, some reaching to the floor and beyond.
These people’s names are entered into a special book which is published every year.
Humans have invented many different names for the various ways they dress their hair. Even the names of their coifures are funny: Beesnest, Bob, Dreadlocks, Mullet, and Pompadour, are five examples which come to mind. The names are fun, the styles are even funnier. Human beings are a humourous group of evolving creatures on a presently troubled planet. I will continue to monitor their foibles. I will send another transmission soon.
—End of Transmission—